So, You Think Your Family is Bad

28Nov09


What I’ve learned about extended families from Horror Movies.

The thing about the extended family is that you don’t always know what you’re going to get. And, with the influx of recent (if remade) horror movies based around new people entering your life, you get a lot of mixed signals coming from the silver screen.

Movies like:

  • The Stepfather (a psycho stepfather marries widows in search of the perfect family),
  • The Uninvited (a girl deals with her evil stepmother),
  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre & House of a Thousand Corpses (both with murderous families),
  • The Stepmother (a stepmother seduces her stepson as part of a blackmail plot),
  • The Good Son (a boy moves in with his Aunt & Uncle and his cousin starts to show signs of psychosis, including murder), and
  • It’s Alive (where a couple’s monster child kills when frightened).

at least the nurse is hotThe common thread for these movies is that families are already screwed up beyond recognition, or some interloper tries to intrude on the already decent family and leaves a wake of broken (and sometimes bloody) hearts in their wake.

Most frequently the new addition is just waiting for some excuse to go on a murderous rampage, so if you’ve recently obtained a step-parent or new sibling, be on the watch out for early warning signs.

Early Alert Warning Signs:

Unexplainable Blood on Hands and Clothes: I like to think this one is pretty obvious, but if horror movies have taught us anything it’s that people buy cheaply spun lies if they want to believe them.

Digging in secluded parts of the yard/woods late at night: Really, who works on their well digging or deep gardening in the dead of night?

I'm mute not interested

The Way they Clutch Sharp Objects when Questioned about their Past: Sometimes it’s a painful memory, other times it’s a warning that they might just drive that grapefruit spoon into your skull and hollow it out like a coconut.

Sudden Disappearance of Family/Friends/Pets/Neighbors/That Kid down the street you don’t really like: People move. Heck, it might even seem that whole communities up and move at the same time like siamese twins. Though, enough unrelated people start turning up missing, it’s likely they’re turning up daisies.

Now that you’re on the look out for the warning signs, once you’ve spotted your unstable new family member. Look and listen for these three signs: Mood lighting, music that just starts and stops at random, and them standing over a fresh bloody corpse with a weapon in hand.

Then and only then should you confront your new family member, by running as far and fast as you can to the nearest police station, befriending the one clean member of the force that you know (since everyone seems to know a police officer in the movies) and get the evidence before it vanishes leaving the squeaky clean after image of your perfect step-father/mother/brother/sister/cousin/goldfish and the credits to roll.



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