Loving The Dead (Technically…) Pt Three

31Oct09

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Vampire madness is almost over at Sexier Than Fiction! Sad but true. Personally while I would never date a vampire, they’re supposed to be undead bloodsuckers. I remember the good old days when people screaming from them. Today, Hollywood has made vampires “the sex”.

Vampires used to be:

Where's my blood supply?

Now they are:

my little...I so went there!

They’ve also made them invulnerable. Wtf? Seriously? The modern vampire seems impervious to sun, crosses, holy water, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a good staking just made them a little uncomfortable. This is a serious problem if, like me, you want vampires away, or preferably gone and dead. So, I set to work, in case you need ways to leave your undead lover. Here we go!

I’ve discovered holy water doesn’t work on Modpires, the hard way. No, should you use this they will laugh, at worst you’ll mess up their hair. No, but coffee based drinks (like from Starbucks) repel those hunky corpses. So, walk tall with your beverage!

If you really want to smite them though you need the tears of Robert Smith (I believe Lush makes a hair product where this is a basic ingredient) of the Cure. Though, to a lesser degree, any goth icon might work in a pinch.
yum yum-it's goth juice!
The Modpire also seems incapable of having sex, or in some cases a committed relationship. In this case offer both they’ll keep them at bay! You’re more likely to encounter the later so always be ready to have “the talk” or simply start moving your stuff. If he’s a gentleman he’ll quietly move his things to a new layer and bonus, you can keep the house!

The Modpire also CAN go out in the daylight! What the hell? I have no idea when this happened. Maybe around the time Anne Rice declared Lestat unkillable and made him fight Mothra. So, what can you kill these pesky bitches with?

Nothing, it seems. Although I’ve been told possibly you could kill them by ignoring them or taking away their bling. From those influenced by the Vampire Diaries to your average glitter-pire, vampires seem to be attached at the various body parts to their sparklies. Everyone knows vampires are egocentric. These deadly blows should be enough to deliver them to eternal rest. Either that or you’ll have some pretty jewelry and a pile of bleeding undead flesh.

a sharp go with the shears should send your suitor into shambles.

Seriously? You find this hot?

Beheading is also a dicey gamble this day and age, but a sharp go with the shears should send your suitor into shambles. (Try saying that five times fast.) This last tactic also works on werewolves, just in case.

So, this concludes my in-depth look at dating vampires. Please feel free to write in or post a comment if you have questions.

PS. my heart goes out to the millions of Tokyoites who lost lives in the Lestat v. Mothra battle. But, think of the fires you avoided by not using the giant bug zapper!



2 Responses to “Loving The Dead (Technically…) Pt Three”

  1. Who knew we’d have back to back blogs with my little ponies used ironically both times.

    Odd.

  2. …i’m non linear like that it’s part of my charm.


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