The Anti Blog – Beyonce Broke my Heart


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For the past month or so Planet Earth has mulled over the question countless times as to WHAT caused the events leading up to the Kanyeruption (I’m getting the term trademarked) of Taylor Swift on the MTV Music Video Awards. Countless Theories abounded from drugs to inebriation of the Kanye to Ego and such. Today those will all fall to the wayside because I’m here to tell you the truth. Taylor Swift hasn’t gone through shit, I’m the real victim here.

“If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it”
– Beyonce Knowles in her song “Single Ladies”

This is tough to get out… even for me… even for a blog that is primarily satire. but maybe once this is all done its therapeutic for me, perhaps justice is even served. Over the past couple years I’ve been in a secret relationship with the singer known as Beyonce… I should correct the tense, I WAS. It just didn’t go anywhere. She wanted stuff I couldn’t provide, and of course had her publicity flings to get out of the way – I was okay with that.

Then there was Kanye, I got over his nonsensical humor eventually but there was something in his eye around B (as I called her) that just didn’t seem right. I ignored Kanye’s advances on B – despite her terrible dance moves, she was “irreplaceable”.

B wanted bling, more specifically a ring that would end all other rings and being that I work at FedEx, the best I could offer was a ring pop, which I admit fooled her pretty well until she caught me biting a chunk out of it.

So Beyonce goes off with Kanye, and records a song just to taunt me, and when she’d come back lo and behold Kanye had bought her a ring, according to B and her song I was “trippin, don’t pay him any attention”

I left, heartbroken and downtrodden. My hopes and dreams of ending up with a Destiny’s Child all broken. Then came the night of the MTV music video awards.

Kanye’s ring for Beyonce was fake, everyone knew it but B… all that and she made a song about it too… I’m pretty sure Kanye’s the one that talked her into wearing the leotard in that video. It was kinda Kanye being Kanye and at the same time being a terrible D-bag. The Rest was history – and now makes more sense I guess, still doesn’t understand why “Single Ladies” was so popular though.

B is out of my life, never to be seen again and I can thank Kanye for that I guess, though Kanye never really made much sense to me. He drove this really wierd scooter all around, not even a real motorized cool scooter (which he could probably afford I dont know how YouTube money compares to rapper money) with a bumper sticker that said WWJD (What Would Jesus Drive) – Not really something I always wondered but well… Jesus Walks, I know – Kanye told me.

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