The Anti Blog – I Hate Routine

02Dec09

I think I came to the conclusion early on in life that I wasn’t particularly cut out for the whole cubicle-working-nine-to-five regimen that seems so pervasive in our society. I’ve always (with the exception of a couple years where I thought working for ESPN would be fun) wanted to be self-employed. When I was seven I started my first “business”… Eagle Wing Sports Shop… which generally consisted of me “selling” my collection of Sports Cards out my bedroom window… to myself mostly. Perhaps not the greatest example of a business plan primed for success though I still hope to follow that dream someday… sooner than later.

I generally have followed the mainstream MEHHH for jobs – mostly from seeing how THE MAN finds ways to intentionally screw his employees over. Intentionally underpaid and overworked souls don’t get much sympathy these days because we’ve all become them. Generally I hate the doldrums of regimen… the lack of something new invading an orthodox situation. So here’s my top 10 list of things I’ve done at work in the past (employer names are excluded to protect the criminal parties)

10 ) Dressed as “The Man from Snowy River” for Halloween at a Grocery Store – not so odd until you realize I was wearing a short sleeve t-shirt and working as the Frozen Foods Department manager. Saddest part is how few people knew who the character was when I explained my garb. Maybe they were stuck on the short sleeves vs. freezer displays part

9 ) Practice Michael Jackson dance moves while running errands for the boss.

8 ) Made a Starbuck’s slushy by mixing coffee with non dairy cake icing, sticking it in the work freezer and returning to stir it every 30 minutes.

7 ) Danced like a fool in the rain while everyone waited out the storm inside.

6 ) Rescued three hopelessly lost frogs only to find two of them flat as paper later.

5 ) Tested and so far nobody has disproved this… the hypothesis that nobody can outrun their own spit.

4 ) Ask coworkers for their autograph on assigned paperwork… then review their technique and form compared to professional athletes. One guy was really complemented to hear he had a similar style to Nene of the Denver Nuggets… he didn’t know that wasn’t a complement.

3 ) Danced inside two different walk in freezers… okay whatever my life is a music video whether or not you can hear the music I hear

2 ) One day during a particularly slow shift I wrote out an entire intro monologue for a horror/sci-fi idea and accidentally forgot the sheet along with my paperwork… one of my supervisors found it later and thought someone was writing him a really threatening letter. Yikes… be more careful with your placement of paper next time matt! (And I figured if someone found it the words “too creepy maybe?” with an arrow pointing at an intense part would explain the fictitious nature of it)

1 ) On my last day of work at one job, I dissected stickers labeled “Bypass” to remove the “BYP” and stuck them all over in hidden yet obvious places. I have since looked and can’t for the life of me find more “bypass” stickers online ANYWHERE

What are some of your favorite ways to pass time at work – maybe your boss knows and laughs it off or maybe you hide it… Share it in a comment!

I Hate/Loathe/Despise/Abominate and Abhor something new each week. Check back next Wednesday to read another pseudo angsty hot topic t-shirt sounding blog post about my distastes!

Filed under: The Anti Blog   |  1 Comment
Tags: anti blog, autographs, bored, cubicle, dance, grocery store, horror, monologue, prank, pranks, self employment, work

JOJCAST: RoboFillet

01Dec09

Life. Politics. Video Creation. This is THE JOJCAST!

This week I talk to popular Australian YouTuber RoboFillet (Rohan) about his early beginnings on YouTube, the Poultry Press, visiting Peru, and riding camels! No, really.

[Full show notes on this episode]

Don’t forget you can subscribe to The JOJCAST via iTunes. Voice over kindly provided by Joshua Withers.

Filed under: JOJCAST   |  1 Comment
Tags: Camels, Ideas, Inspiration, John Lacey, JohnOfJordan, JOJCAST, Manic Pixie Dream Girl, Planning, Poultry Press, Producing, Project 4 Awesome, RoboFillet, Semi-Colons, VlogBrothers, Vlogging, Voices4Peru

The Best Thing You’re Not Protecting Your Children From

28Nov09

I gotta say when I was a kid toys were fucking awesome. You could actually build millions of things with your lego sets, not just 5.

Missiles shot out of our robots and there was a good chance a kid could lose an eye, or choke to death on some small part, or find out hey maybe I’m a serial Killer.

Nowadays, everything is full of dayglo to prevent cops from shooting you, or to nix would be thugs from knocking over liquor stores. I’m really not sure.

But hey our generation is not without faults, sure sometimes the best of intentions go horribly awry.

But then again, you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes.

I guess the DC Marvel rivalry has no bounds.

but then who made this, Image? MadCow!?

You can try and put a happy face on the inevitable

Or you can accept the truth. The world is full of degenerate bastards hell bent on turning your child in to a pervert.

So protect your children, hide them from this world of idiot toy makers and crazy atrocities!

Filed under: The Best Thing You're Not...   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: batman squirtgun, blow job, fail toys, gi joe, pikachu vagina, wolverine inflatable

So, You Think Your Family is Bad

28Nov09

What I’ve learned about extended families from Horror Movies.

The thing about the extended family is that you don’t always know what you’re going to get. And, with the influx of recent (if remade) horror movies based around new people entering your life, you get a lot of mixed signals coming from the silver screen.

Movies like:

• The Stepfather (a psycho stepfather marries widows in search of the perfect family),
• The Uninvited (a girl deals with her evil stepmother),
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre & House of a Thousand Corpses (both with murderous families),
• The Stepmother (a stepmother seduces her stepson as part of a blackmail plot),
• The Good Son (a boy moves in with his Aunt & Uncle and his cousin starts to show signs of psychosis, including murder), and
• It’s Alive (where a couple’s monster child kills when frightened).

The common thread for these movies is that families are already screwed up beyond recognition, or some interloper tries to intrude on the already decent family and leaves a wake of broken (and sometimes bloody) hearts in their wake.

Most frequently the new addition is just waiting for some excuse to go on a murderous rampage, so if you’ve recently obtained a step-parent or new sibling, be on the watch out for early warning signs.

Early Alert Warning Signs:

Unexplainable Blood on Hands and Clothes: I like to think this one is pretty obvious, but if horror movies have taught us anything it’s that people buy cheaply spun lies if they want to believe them.

Digging in secluded parts of the yard/woods late at night: Really, who works on their well digging or deep gardening in the dead of night?

The Way they Clutch Sharp Objects when Questioned about their Past: Sometimes it’s a painful memory, other times it’s a warning that they might just drive that grapefruit spoon into your skull and hollow it out like a coconut.

Sudden Disappearance of Family/Friends/Pets/Neighbors/That Kid down the street you don’t really like: People move. Heck, it might even seem that whole communities up and move at the same time like siamese twins. Though, enough unrelated people start turning up missing, it’s likely they’re turning up daisies.

Now that you’re on the look out for the warning signs, once you’ve spotted your unstable new family member. Look and listen for these three signs: Mood lighting, music that just starts and stops at random, and them standing over a fresh bloody corpse with a weapon in hand.

Then and only then should you confront your new family member, by running as far and fast as you can to the nearest police station, befriending the one clean member of the force that you know (since everyone seems to know a police officer in the movies) and get the evidence before it vanishes leaving the squeaky clean after image of your perfect step-father/mother/brother/sister/cousin/goldfish and the credits to roll.

Filed under: Sexier Then Fiction   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: family, holidays, horror movies, warnings

Holy Not Great, Lego Batman

25Nov09

One of the more recent in the Lego video game franchises, the game holds little surprise to veterans of the other games like Lego Star Wars, Lego Indiana Jones, and Lego Harry Potter. The game play is simple, requiring you to cycle through various characters as you work your way through a series of scenes of lego violence and puzzles.

Unlike others in the Lego franchise, the Batman game doesn’t adhere to any of the movies or any truly cohesive storyline. Each of the three acts are independent of each other, and you can play as either the Dynamic Duo or their Rogue’s Gallery.

Once you get through the story mode, you can go through the free play to unlock the various hidden characters and other tasty bits that they keep hidden behind silhouette for exorbitant Lego nub fees.

The great part of the game is ultimately in being the Dark Knight and busting up the bad guys. All in all, it’s a great game in the Lego franchise that continues to capitalize on big money names. While this game in it self is not a bad game, if you don’t love Batman, pass this up.

Coming soon! Lego Rockband. Seriously, It’s out later this week.

Filed under: Game Reviews   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: lego, lego batman, puzzle game

JOJCAST: Anti-Blog and NaNoWriMo

24Nov09

Life. Politics. Video Creation. This is THE JOJCAST!

This week sees the return of a very good friend of THE JOJCAST. Indeed, the man who appeared alongside me on the very first episode! I talk to MG Phenom (Matt Elwood), about being part of Podpocalypse, ‘Anti-Blogging’ and the annual terror I like to call “NaNoWriMo.”

[Full show notes on this episode]

Don’t forget you can subscribe to The JOJCAST via iTunes. Voice over kindly provided by Joshua Withers.

Filed under: JOJCAST   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: anti blog, Creativity, John Lacey, JohnOfJordan, JOJCAST, Matt Elwood, MG Phenom, mgphenom, NaNoWriMo, Podpocalypse, Process

Love during the End of the World

21Nov09

Have you made a pact with that special someone to be with them until the end of the world? If you plan on sticking by that pact but just can’t stand your partner anymore, you have a couple options: Suck it up and break your word or just wait for the end of the world.

Sure, the first is fraught with the perils of terror and tears, stalking and sadness, but can be done in a clean way leaving both sides better off to lead their lives.

Waiting for the end of the world, on the other hand, is tricky business. Unless you’re a supervillain or have access to some sort of Weather Dominator (you know who you are..) you’re probably going to have to actually wait for the end as opposed to bringing it about yourself.

Fortunately, the year is 2009, and according to the Mayans and the coming movie 2012, not to mention the scads and scads of books on the subject, you might only have to wait another three years.

Though, that’s only for the actual end of the world. Nobody knows what will come after, so, here are some tips if you and your sweetie are amongst the last few people alive on earth.

1. Lube Lots of Lube

In the post apocalyptic future there might not be a ton of water (la Tank Girl) so stock up lube, if you like water based lubes. Also do not forget beer it may get you out of some tough situations.

2. Don’t Waste time on the dvd collection.
Power goes out, batteries die. Electronics require a power source . You would be better off with books. Reading is a lost art. Nothing says sexy like reading erotica to your lover.

3. Do move to a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Seriously, Zombies. Remember block off stairs. Keep the lift’s doors open, thus stopping zombies riding up. But providing you with quick exits. Think Omega man.

With everybody gone, prime real estate opens up. If Dungeons & Dragons has taught us anything, its this: When people die you take their stuff! So, move far above the ground. It’s not time to steal a big screen, its time to raid the pantries and closets!

4. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get to attached to new companions!

Inevitably you will encounter other survivors. Do not get attached, sure they’re nice. But, if these end of the world movies have taught us anything, it’s you will have to kill off one or more of your new friends! Always remember its you and your sweetie first, forever.

Now I must go loot my local Borders..Catch you later.
Hopefully.

Filed under: Sexier Then Fiction   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: 2012, apocalypse, kangaroo, lori petty, love, omega man, tank girl

The Anti Blog – I Hate Facebook Apps

18Nov09

When the world ends in a gassy cloud of asteroids, volcanoes and John Cusack in 2012 I will have four last words for the world in our last and dying hours. “Facebook Apps Freaking Suck!” (This may end up being a very rough paraphrase, though I’m considering going with the more conforming “AAGGGHHHHHHH!” just in case I dont have time to prepare last words) In the last three or so years since Facebook added games, apps and such I may have spent more time on my fictitious personas than I’ve spent on YouTube. This irks me greatly, yet do I leave them? Why would I do that?

I’m a bit of a hyper focuser, and the obsessing about fictitious second, third and fortieth lives I lead online is a massive time killer. Instead of trying to explain the wasted time I’ve used creating these fictional peoples… let me just let them introduce themselves.

I’m Nigel Chase, from the app formerly known as Fight Club, as in discontinued. I still kinda resent the demise of the coolest app ever on Facebook. I was a daily fighter, loyal even on vacation (once paying $5 for airport internet and barely getting all my fights and training in) for over a year and a half and that diligence pushed me all the way to #2 in the world rankings at one point though I retired at #3 in the world. I still keep active in MG’s head trying to get him to make a movie with a character named after me titled “Antithesis Doom” he’s a lazy writer though.

I’m Don Pomegranate, from Mafia Wars, (yes the same one that bragged recently to the Internets chagrin that he’s cheated his way to the top with the Mafia Wars app, even going as far as bribing members into installing indestructible spy ware and mal ware) I’ve been on Mafia wars over a year and am to Level 286. Similarly to Nigel I’ve logged on from many random places to stay current with my game play, my favorite being my Grandparents dinosaur computer in Texas, I think it took me about 40 minutes to just get the days jobs done.

Hello I’m Chef MG, I’m kinda the new kid on the block… I dont have the accomplishments… yet. I joined Cafe World a couple days ago and I can’t stop… even woke up at 3am yesterday just to serve some desserts I’d prepared. Funny too I noticed a lot of the decorations in the game are cloned from Pet Society… oh gosh and thats a story none of us three want to talk about… good year wasted there too.

So thats my alternate identities? What are your Facebook App Characters?

Whats the craziest thing you’ve ever done to keep up with a fake lifestyle alongside a real one

Filed under: The Anti Blog   |  1 Comment
Tags: 2012, apps, chef, facebook, fight club, games, gangster, mafia, mgphenom, mob, pet society, wars

Elite Beat Agents

17Nov09

Ever wish you could carry a copy of DDR around with you, fit it into your pocket, and use a touch screen instead? No. Oh, well, this is the game you’re looking for if you ever get that inclination.

The premise is that you are in control of the Elite Beat Agents who go around righting wrongs and solving problems through the magic of dancing to songs, some appropriate and others just highly misplaced. (“Let’s Dance” playing as an oil tycoon tries to reclaim his fortune.) In addition several of the scenarios are incredibly outlandish and equally absurd.

The song ratings are equal to the number of stars given and the more stars there are the more difficult the song is supposed to be. There is also a difficulty stetting, which lets you pick which main agent you are supposed to be. There are only two different settings to start with.

To make it through each song, you have to hit numbered circles that are grouped by color to help keep them separate. Keeping track of your ability to hit them to the beat, is the Elite-beat-o-meter.

Keeping the meter full is how you keep everyone’s spirits up and help solve the problem through the power of the montage. As you miss beats, the meter starts to drop and the Beat Agents start to show their fatigue. If you keep missing the beat, you fail and let everyone down.

Much like Dance Dance Revolution and other games like it, you get graded on your performance in combination with the amount of combos you can string together.

As Commander Kahn says, “Agents are go!”

Filed under: Game Reviews   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: bad hair, elite beat agents, games for everyone, goofy, music game

JOJCAST: QiRanger

17Nov09

Life. Politics. Video Creation. This is THE JOJCAST!

This week we talk to QiRanger (Steve) about being an “Englishee Teacher” in Korea, using technology to connect and teach, and the opportunities that have arisen from sharing his life with the world via YouTube.

[Full show notes on this episode]

Don’t forget you can subscribe to The JOJCAST via iTunes. Voice over kindly provided by Joshua Withers.

Filed under: JOJCAST   |  1 Comment
Tags: Communication, Connection, Education, English, John Lacey, JOJCAST, Korea, Language, Opportunities, Promotion, QiRanger, South Korea, YouTube